How great women leaders handle difficult conversations without losing their voice

There is a conversation almost every woman leader has postponed.

It might be telling someone their work isn’t where it needs to be, speaking up when you see things differently, or having a conversation you’ve been putting off for far too long. 

You know what needs to be said, yet before saying it, you find yourself thinking, will I sound too harsh? 

For women, difficult conversations can feel a little more complicated

We are expected to be confident and decisive, but also warm, approachable and easy to work with. Research has shown that this balancing act is real.

A Stanford Study that looked at 63 studies found that women could face a small like ability penalty when they came across as dominant, even though it did not affect how competent they were seen to be.

So perhaps the answer isn’t to become tougher, perhaps it is to become clearer.

Most difficult conversations become harder because they happen too late

Think about it, how many times did you overlook a missed deadline or tolerate a colleague’s behaviour? And then a few months later, you’re no longer talking about one incident. You’re talking about everything that has built up around it.

Brené Brown’s research on courageous leadership led to a line that is particularly relevant here, 

Instead of saying, “There have been some issues with your work lately,” a leader can say, “The last two reports went out without the required checks. Let’s understand what happened.”

One makes the person defensive. The other gives them something they can actually respond to.

Great leaders don’t necessarily enjoy difficult conversations. They simply don’t let discomfort make the decision for them.

• Listen, then lead.

Empathy is one of the strengths women often bring to leadership, but empathy doesn’t mean agreement.

Mary Barra’s leadership during General Motors’ ignition-switch crisis is a powerful example. When serious questions were raised about the company’s failure to address safety concerns, Barra acknowledged the problem, commissioned an investigation and pushed for a culture where employees could speak up about safety. GM subsequently launched its Speak Up for Safety programme.

The lesson is bigger than crisis management.

Listening only matters when something happens because you listened.

A strong leader can ask, “Help me understand what happened,” and still say, “This is what needs to change.”

She can hear an opposing view without surrendering her own.

• Say the thing you mean

Sometimes women spend so much energy making a difficult message sound acceptable that the message disappears.

“I was just thinking that perhaps we could maybe look at another approach…”

What we really mean might simply be

“I don’t think this is working.”

Or:

“I disagree.”

Or:

“I can’t take this on.”

Being clear doesn’t mean being cold. It means respecting the other person enough to tell them where you actually stand.

And it is worth remembering that leadership isn’t measured by how comfortable everyone feels around you. Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is tell the truth before the problem becomes bigger.

• You can be compassionate and decisive

During her time as CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi was known for pushing for strong business results while also paying close attention to people and culture.

Her idea of “Performance with Purpose” was about building a successful business without losing sight of its people or its wider impact. But being empathetic didn’t mean lowering expectations. 

Nooyi was clear about what she expected and wasn’t afraid to make tough decisions.

You can care about people and still expect them to do their best. You can listen and still disagree. You can be kind and still be firm.

And sometimes, another woman helps you find the words

Perhaps this is where community becomes such an important part of women’s leadership. 

Before a difficult conversation, we often need someone we trust to ask the question we aren’t asking ourselves

Are you being too accommodating?

Are you being too hard?

What are you really trying to say?

A strong community of women gives you perspective, a place to test your thinking, learn from someone else’s experience, and discover that the conversation you’re struggling with is one many women have had before you.

That is at the heart of what makes WLC valuable. Leadership becomes less lonely when women have somewhere to bring the conversations that don’t always make it to the boardroom.

Difficult conversations are not about finding the perfect words. They are about finding the courage to use your own voice.

You don’t have to be louder or harder. And you certainly don’t have to become someone you’re not.

You just have to be clear enough to say what needs to be said and secure enough to know that being clear doesn’t make you difficult.